Feeling Mom Burnout? Grab Yourself a Treat and Read This
Some days, mom life is bliss. Like those sunny afternoons when you're at the park, watching your kids giggle and make new friends. Or when they wrap their sweet little arms around your neck and pull you in close for no reason. On days like these, I feel like Mom of the Year.
But on other days, mom life is like the apocalypse, and I am the zombie. On those days, I feel dead inside, with a patience fuse the size of a millimeter. On these doomsdays, I tend to find myself wondering what the heck I am doing as a mom, and yelling at my kids to talk nicely to each other... Yeah, parenting fail. Do you have these kinds of days too?
If you find yourself feeling the weight of mom burnout, I want you to know that I get it. I see you! I know you love your kids, and it's okay if you don't particularly "like" them right now. I've got seven strategies to help you feel better. So keep reading, and let's get you some nice fresh emotional oxygen and lots of pats on the back.
Ready to start feeling a bit better?
Disclaimer: Please note that I am not a medical or mental health professional. The information provided on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, please call your local emergency services or go to the nearest hospital immediately.
What your feelings are telling you
I know it’s easy to feel frustrated with yourself when you experience an unpleasant emotion. Many of us ladies seem to believe that we should be zen all the time and if we aren’t, we are a loose cannon with no self-control. And that is simply not true, my friend.
While we absolutely can control our actions, we can’t always control our emotions. I like to think of my emotional state in terms of green, yellow, orange, and red. Green = no complaints, doing great. Yellow = feeling stressed, but can get back to calm without too much effort. Orange = danger zone, getting close to popping, need a break or something to change. Red = AAAAAHHHHHH! Run away, fight or flight. Meltdown mode.
Thinking of my feelings in terms of color has helped me become mindful of what circumstances are tipping me toward green or red. I have learned that when I’m marching toward the red end of the spectrum, something is wrong. While I hate feeling upset, and my feelings are not always rational (are feelings ever rational?) the feeling itself is a signal that I need to do something - have a conversation, set a boundary, re-evaluate the story I might be telling myself, clean my room, get more sleep, or take a break.
So while it probably won’t be helpful to have a knee-jerk reaction to every feeling you have, it is extremely helpful to examine your emotions and determine what is causing you to feel the way you do. Do you need more help from your spouse? Do you need to set some boundaries with your children? Are you getting exercise? Do you need to have a clarifying conversation?
Take a minute to identify what you are feeling and the circumstances that led you to this point. And then continue to the 7 strategies to help you deal with burnout below.
7 Strategies for Dealing with Mom Burnout
Take a real break. I mean it.
If you are currently hiding from your children in your bathroom, here’s what you’re going to do. You are going to get your kids somewhere they are secure and safe. You’re going to clip your baby into the high chair in front of the television if you need to. You’re going to tell your four-year-old they are going to read books in their room. Or you’re going to pull out some toys for them in a safe area.
And then Mama, you are going to go outside or to your room or somewhere you can be alone. You’re going to breathe deep. You’re going to do a guided meditation on YouTube if you need. Or you’re just going to lay there and get your heart and breathing to slow down. You’re going to engage the higher-functioning part of your brain through counting, reading or journaling for a few minutes. Let’s get the fight-or-flight part of your brain to calm down.
Feel any better? If yes, then proceed with caution. Maybe let your kids watch a movie until bedtime. Or order take-out. Or head to the park where they can run around while you chill on the bench.
If you’re not feeling better, you’re going to call your spouse, a trusted family member, or a friend. You’re going to tell them how you are feeling and ask them to help you. This could look like a pep talk from your sister, or dropping the kids off at your mom’s house, or asking your husband to handle bedtime while you take the night off, or asking a friend to simply sit at your house after the kids are in bed so that you can get out for a while.
And then, once you have that break in hand, you are going to decompress. To help you out, I’ve created a feel-better toolkit to walk you through a TON of healthy ideas that will actually help you feel better and not just numb you out - hello social media.
Identify your non-negotiables
Once you are out of meltdown mode, let’s look at how you can avoid going there again in the future. What do you need to do to not only not lose your mind, but to feel whole and live wholeheartedly? What are the 2-5 things you need to do each day to feel functional and set yourself up for a good day?
For me, this looks like making my bed, exercising, getting ready for the day (I feel way better when my hair is done), drinking my breakfast smoothie, and getting enough sleep. When I miss out on those components I am almost guaranteed that the day is not going to go as well as it could have.
Does that mean I never miss my non-negotiables? Sadly no. But they are high priority and when I miss them I know the consequences. I think the reason they are so powerful is because they create a ripple effect of other positive choices. When I drink my breakfast smoothie, my blood sugar evens out and it helps me wake up and make more healthy eating choices throughout the day. Exercise boosts my energy and helps me feel happy and mellows out my anxiety. Making the bed helps me feel put together and nudges me to keep the house tidier throughout the day. When I get ready, I send a signal to myself all day that I am worth the effort of curling my hair and applying makeup, that I am cute, and I just think so much more clearly for some funny reason. I feel ready to go wherever I want at a moment’s notice.
Prioritizing my nonnegotiables allows me to be a better mom, spouse, and woman.
Set boundaries
For the longest time, the idea of setting boundaries intrigued and intimidated me, A LOT. I always want to be there for people, but for the longest time, I’ve been so intimidated at the thought of saying no that I either threw myself under the “martyrdom” bus and gave way too much or hid from anyone that might need me, which was SO not in line with my values.
I have learned that having boundaries is the kindest thing I can do for not only myself but for others as well. My family knows they can call me anytime they want because they know that if I can’t talk, I won’t answer. And I’ll call them back when I can. I can be a listening ear or volunteer to help people because I’m much better acquainted with my limitations and am a lot better at kindly communicating what I. can or can’t do. Before it was either run away and hide and help no one because I was too afraid too much would be needed and I didn’t want to say no or do too much and grow weary and even resentful.
It’s definitely still a work in progress, but this mindset shift has been so invaluable, especially in helping me to avoid getting into the red zone. The best book I know of on this subject is Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It’s very much rooted in the Bible, but whether or not you are religious, the principles are so sound.
The thesis is that your boundaries are not about what others do, but what YOU do. You decide what your boundaries are, and then when they are violated, you decide how you will act. You act (instead of being acted on). If you’ve decided you need to go to bed on time and it would help a lot if your spouse would join you but they won’t, you still go to bed. If you made dinner and have told everyone it’s time and you are hangry and they are not coming, YOU go ahead and eat without them. Give the people you love the chance to learn natural consequences. It’s honestly the most loving thing you can do. If your children are no longer napping, but you’re all going to be happier if they have a quiet time routine, go ahead and get that going.
So figure out what your boundaries are, and what YOU will do if they are broken. This can be a real help in avoiding future burnout.
Take inventory of your health and consult a professional if needed
Next, let’s take inventory of your physical well-being and your habits. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you hungry, tired, or stressed? How many hours of sleep do you average? What foods are you putting into your body? Are you eating mostly simple carbs that are continually crashing your energy? Are you getting enough proteins and healthy fats? Are you hydrated? Are you gifting yourself the life-giving endorphins and energy from exercise? Is social media consumption at a healthy balance? Could developing some positive habits improve your situation?
Have you had a check-up in the last year? Do you think you could be vitamin deficient or have something going on with your hormones? Do you have regular menstrual cycles? Could you benefit from talking with a doctor or mental health professional?
After my daughter was born, I developed postpartum anxiety. I did NOT know what was happening to me, but I knew something was wrong. At the time, I don’t think I would have been able to get myself out of that funk even if I had completely optimized my health. In my situation, I needed a doctor and I needed medication. I have a whole blog post about it here. If you’re unsure whether you should talk with a professional, ask the people you are around often whom you trust and see if they think you need help. Sometimes our loved ones see us more clearly than we see ourselves.
Women need women
Whether an introvert or an extrovert, women need other women. And not just any women, but women who uplift you, who can relate to you, but who also help you feel better. Women who can say, “Oh you yelled at your kids today? So did I.” And then you can both laugh and give each other a sympathetic pat, give each other encouragement, validation, and the unfiltered truth.
Find a wing to crawl under. There are other women who are also looking for friends in your neighborhood, or your church. You could make friends with the moms of your children’s friends.
Keep in mind that to attract uplifting women, you will want to do your best to be an uplifting woman. I am NOT perfect at this, but I love this quote by Steven Covey, “be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present.”
I have been the beneficiary of some awesome women in my community who knew put themself out there by hosting a girls’ night and inviting a bunch of ladies to go out to dinner together. Even though they hardly knew some of the ladies they invited, it was so much fun, and friendships were made and strengthened. You can do that too! Heck, you could all go to a movie if you want the company of others without the pressure of carrying on a conversation. But find other women who bring out the best in you, can be a shoulder to cry on, and who just get it. Especially seasoned women who have been through the fire and come out the other side. They are gold mines of knowledge.
Give yourself things to look forward to
What do you like to do? Do you even know? What activities fill your soul and make you feel alive? Honestly, I did not know until I listened to a podcast that invited me to review the previous year. The podcaster told me to make two columns. One column was labeled something like “Activities that fill me” and one was “Activities that drain me. It was so insightful! I realized I loved being outside, hanging out with friends and family, getting a massage, going on outings with my kids, skiing, playing pickleball, and taking mini vacations. Now I try to deliberately plan more of those kinds of activities.
Having things to look forward to can really help avoid burnout because it makes life more fun and enjoyable.
Create your own list of activities that drain you and activities that fill you (and don’t feel bad if you don’t enjoy something that everyone else seems to love!) Plan at least one (or many!) of those activities to look forward to.
Ask for help - I know it’s hard
Where to start on this one? Every time I think about asking for help I start to sweat. Not really, but almost. And I’m guessing you might be fiercely independent too. I hate, hate, hate the thought of being a burden. But sometimes mama, you just need another hand.
Here are some things you can do to get help without feeling like a burden.
If you have the means, hire help where you can. If you can financially swing it, you could hire someone to deep clean once or twice a month. Or hire a sitter for a few hours each week so you can get errands done or just take a break. Or you could get a gym membership with childcare so your kids can have a grand time playing while you get a workout in or soak in the hot tub. You could use a grocery delivery service (most are about $100 for the year) or simply do a free grocery pick-up, thus outsourcing in-store grocery shopping altogether!
If you work full-time, I would suggest getting consistent childcare for your children if at all possible. It is expensive, but in my opinion, it is the tradeoff of working full time, and it will make your life SO MUCH BETTER. It will also ensure you aren’t unnecessarily burdening or burning the goodwill of family and friends and provide a consistent routine for your kids. Maybe there are some grandmas out there who genuinely want to spend retirement chasing littles, but in most cases, grandmas have done their time and just want to be able to enjoy their grandbabies. After my first was born, I had so much anxiety about getting him a consistent babysitter. But we had to because I was working in an office full time and my husband was in school. We interviewed sitters to make sure we felt kosher about everything. And it turned out to be not only great for my husband and me but SO great for my son. He loved the change of scenery, the stimulation of a new environment, and playing with other kids. I was shocked at how sad he was to stop going once COVID hit, I thought he would enjoy being home more but he missed the variety!
If finances are tight, there are still many ways you can get help without feeling like you are taxing others. First of all, know that there are so many people, women especially, who are genuinely looking for opportunities to serve. If you know people (that you trust) who have offered to help with tasks, take them up on it.
However, when asking for help, be clear about what you need and then be reliable. If you ask a friend to take the kids for a couple of hours, be sure to be back on time. They will likely be happy to help when they know what they can expect. And be willing to return the favor. Build a reputation of being considerate and you will find that lots of people are willing and wanting to help you! This will allow you to build a community of support so that the next time you find yourself in need, you will have many possible people ready and happy to help you. And you’ll be there for them! That’s a win/win right there.
If you have friends or family members who are good at or enjoy certain tasks, ask them to help you with those tasks. For example, my mom would rather not chase littles for hours on end (I don’t blame her, neither would I!), but she enjoys helping me clean and organize. When I asked her to help me go on a deep cleaning spree in the past, she actually loved it.
You can also check into community resources. Often times community centers, libraries, and parks offer free activities and programs for kids. Additionally, many organizations, like religious groups and non-profits, offer volunteer help with tasks like child care, transportation, and meals. You can also join mom groups on Facebook for your community that might offer playgroups, and provide a sense of community and support.
But also, there are times when we are in crisis mode and need someone to just help with the ugly stuff. If you have family nearby that you can rely on, that’s always a huge blessing. But if not, make friends with the people in your community. Be a good friend. Give and take. And sometimes you do have to be a burden and that’s okay. Just be as appreciative and considerate as you can.
When we moved across the country from Utah to Virginia, we ran into a real crisis. We were Airbnb hopping while looking for a house, and my son got unexpectedly ill. We were in between Airbnbs (we thought we would have closed on our home within a certain timeframe and then it ended up not happenign last minute), I called a woman that I didn’t know but who was in our church community completely desperate and asked if she knew anyone who would be willing to rent out abasement for a month. She immediately took us into her own home and lent us her spare car so we could get our son to and from the doctor. I couldn’t return that favor. The best I could do was deep clean her apartment when we left, leave her some goodies and express gratitude. And I think that’s okay. I will always pretty much be brought to tears when I think of her kindness.
So sometimes mama, you just gotta bite the bullet and ask for help because you are in a crisis. And that’s okay. Go ahead and do it.
Well, my friend, that’s what I have for you today. I hope these 7 strategies for combatting Mom burnout are helpful to you and that you can get some respite. Being a mom in ANY season is challenging and I want you to know that you are a QUEEN. Give yourself some grace, love, and get the resources you need. You deserve some tender love and care.
