Battling Anxiety: My Story
Anxiety manifests itself differently for different people. For me, it snuck up postpartum and reared its’ head in the form of irritation, impatience, worry, and self loathing. Spoiler, medication brought me back to reality and I am so beyond grateful. This is my story. I share it with the intent that if you are struggling with mental health, you can know you are not alone and that help is available. You may have anxiety, but anxiety doesn’t have to have you.
WARNING: PERSONAL & SUPER VULNERABLE POST
The first time a baby burst through my body (like a rocket ship, I might add), my world was rocked. My heart swelled with love and affection for this tiny human. I would hold him, stare at his sweet face, and just cry because I was so grateful he was here, he was safe, and he was mine. But simultaneously I was a wreck. My brain and nerves felt frayed from sleep deprivation and the constant demand for breastfeeding was draining (literally). My own basic needs were screaming for my attention as well but my motherly instinct insisted that I pushed them aside over and over. Needless to say, it was hard. In so many ways it was such a sacred time, but scathingly hard. Once baby boy reached his first three months of life outside the womb, life gradually got better until we reached a new normal and I felt whole again.
When the time was nearing for baby #2 to be born, I was excited but also apprehensive. I remembered how I had felt so out of control as a new mother and didn’t want to be that gnarled version of myself again, especially for the sake of my husband and now two year old. But to my surprise, baby girl came into the world as gently as a breath. From the moment she was in my arms, she was content and cuddly and just happy to be here. She would sleep so deeply that we would frequently have to wake her to eat, and whereas her brother had struggled, she was a champion eater.
But something was wrong inside of me. Only this time I didn’t have many challenges, especially compared to my first round of motherhood. I felt…. how do I describe it? Some days I felt grateful and generally happy, but more often I was a storming thundercloud.
I would slump in the rocking chair and feel like there was a polluted, junky swamp boiling inside me. I couldn’t put a finger on my emotions, only that it felt awful and like I was trapped inside my own body. But worst of all, I would feel so impatient. So incredibly impatient and easily irritated, especially towards my toddler. A tantrum was a match to my flame of frustration. His safety was never on the line but I felt unable to cope with his explosive emotion exploration. I would have to leave the room or put him in another room.
I felt like a terrible mother. An absolutely terrible mother. But then I would have a good day, a really good day. And I figured that I must just be dealing with fluctuating hormones.
One day, some good friends invited us over for dinner. They are great cooks and even better company and I was excited about it. When the time came to go the baby needed to eat. I couldn’t handle it. I just started sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I wanted to stop. I wanted to go and eat that delicious food and hang out with my friends. But I couldn’t. I Could Not. Get It. Together. So I stayed home but asked my husband to go and take our toddler with him. By then alarm bells were ringing in my head. My mother had struggled with postpartum depression. I figured I must be experiencing that as well. The next day I saw the friend who had invited us to dinner. I explained what had happened. She listened sympathetically (she had also given birth to a baby girl recently) and shared her experience with anxiety. My ears perked up as she told me about the scorching IMPATIENCE she had struggled with. She told me how she had gotten help, and how she felt so much better.
Impatience could manifest itself as anxiety? I was floored. I decided to go see my primary care doctor and see if he could help me.
The doctor was very empathetic. He asked me to fill out this questionnaire where the answer choices were either “Not at All”, “Several Days”, “More than Half the Days”, or “Nearly Everyday” for each of these 7 questions:
Feeling anxious, nervous, or on edge
Not being able to stop or control worrying
Worrying too much about different things
Trouble relaxing
Being so restless that it is hard to sit still
Becoming easily annoyed or irritable (AKA IMPATIENT)
Feeling afraid, as if something awful might happen
At the time, my answer was either “More than Half the Days” or “Nearly Everyday” for every single question. I was shocked but it made so much sense! Why had I never seen a questionnaire like this though? I had filled out several postpartum depression surveys but I had never even seen one like this!
My doctor was so compassionate and told me that my brain wasn’t holding onto the feel good neurotransmitter (called serotonin) long enough. He talked with me about all my options: lifestyle optimization, therapy, and/or medication. I wasn’t against the medication but was apprehensive and a bit prideful about it. Since I am definitely an advocate of lifestyle optimization I decided I wanted to focus on that, give therapy a whirl and use medication as a last resort. I scheduled an appointment, but with the high demand for therapists, I couldn’t get into one for at least a month. So I bought a cognitive behavior workbook and started going about improving my lifestyle. This proved challenging however because my body was still healing from pushing out the latest rocket ship and so exercise was very limited. In addition, getting more sleep was difficult with a newborn (even though she was a sleep champ, newborns still have night wakings in the best of times), and food prep was difficult with two children (AKA we ate takeout a lot).
About two weeks later I was seeing red again. Stuck in the whirlwind of a downward spiral. I messaged my doctor, told him what was going on, and asked for him to start me on the medication. He gave me a prescription for Escitalopram (also known as Lexapro). I started taking a pill each morning, but it made my stomach ache. On the third day I was about to give it up when my dad, who is not a fan of medicine in general (the man doesn’t even use Tylenol for heaven’s sake) gently encouraged me to try it for a bit longer. My friend also mentioned that anytime she adjusted the dosage her body took a minute to re-adjust. I decided to stay on it a bit longer. Literally the next day I felt much better and didn’t have issues after that (unless I took a pill on an empty stomach).
It took some time - about three weeks to start noticing a difference. But I was liberated. My toddler could be angsty but I could still connect and teach him in constructive ways. I felt like I could actually choose my response without internally combusting. I felt well and whole and so. much. better.
This experience taught me another important lesson. I used to have tons of irrational thoughts, especially right before falling asleep. I would worry that the kids were dead in their beds or being kidnapped. I would think about my loved ones getting seriously ill. I would anticipate a sudden bomb or natural disaster. I recognized that these thoughts were irrational and would thus do my best to not let them affect me, but they still did. I would still need to check on the kids again and make sure the oven was off and such.
After medication, those dark, irrational thoughts dissipated significantly. I had no idea that was anxiety either. It seems common sense in retrospect, but at the time I thought most people had those kinds of worries.
Just to be clear, life isn’t all sunshine and roses because of medication. It didn’t take the anxiety away, but it levels me out significantly. On days stressful days, I may still be anxious but significantly less than I would have been.
This continues to be a journey and probably will be for my whole life.
A few weeks ago (when daylight savings time ended in the U.S.) I noticed that I was feeling anxious again - like I had before. I hoped it would go away but it didn’t. I worked with my doctor again and he adjusted my medication dosage. Simultaneously I have also been increasing my exercise, vegetable intake, and sleep habits and that has also significantly helped. I may need to adjust the dosage again in the future. I will need to continue to improve my lifestyle. Eventually, I believe I will get on the offense with my anxiety instead of being on the defense, but l will need to keep adapting as circumstances arise.
I am still on medication, and as long as it’s been helpful without side effects, I’ll probably stay on it. Overall I have way more good days than bad now. I feel functional, mentally well, and generally happy and hopeful about my life. I definitely believe there are lifestyle tweaks that can and will help me and I am prioritizing those, but at this stage in my life with littles, I’m perfectly content to use medication along with healthy lifestyle choices that are realistic for me.
When it comes to medicine, I strongly believe you need to do your homework to treat the root of the cause and not just the symptoms. It is also important to be aware of potential side effects. There are certainly medications that are harmful such as most atrial fibrillation medications (which are necessary but it’s best to do all you can to work with your doctor to supplement with lifestyle changes as much as possible if you deal with this condition), but in many cases, I believe medicine technology is a gift. My brother jokes that God knew the life he sent us to was freaking hard, so he provided mental health medication. I believe that’s true. You may also need to try several different medications and adjust the dosage before getting the right one and supplement with healthy, positive lifestyle choices as much as is realistic for you. I promise that finding the right help is worth it.
Another caveat - I fully acknowledge that medication doesn’t work for everyone. I have some family members whose bodies consistently reject medication. If you are one of those, take heart. There are other ways you can get help - you may need to take an aggressive approach to a healthy lifestyle. You may need intensive therapy. You may need to work with your doctor or a psychiatrist to test your body for nutritional deficiencies, allergies, or protein absorption issues to lay out all your options. In any case, please please please find a great doctor and work with them.
I share my story in the hope that if YOU are struggling, especially postpartum, you can get help! If you feel unhappy or stressed out often, I'd encourage you to pause and talk to your doctor. If you don’t have a primary care doctor, find one! Ideally, get one who will be your advocate and listen and give you options. But don’t let that paralyze you. Err on the side of just going so you can start your journey towards healing. Much love and good vibes to you on your journey! 🤗
Are you pregnant or post-partum? Check out this post to learn 4 things you should know about birth recovery that no one ever seems to talk about!
